I Can Haz Gonzo Blogging? By: Mark W Adams

It must be Friday.

I can just picture all the delegates for the GOP convention in Minneapolis this summer as they file past the wide-stance shrines at the airport, and the hallucinations start in earnest.

Have I ever mentioned that I just love the folks at Sadly No? Their investigative technique is on a level unto itself. For instance, Hugh Hewitt's notebook:

August 28, 2007. Inside my forty-fifth Starbucks.

I have made contact with some of La Clintonista’s supporters at last. Even this first step has been hellish - I think I’ve been to every single Starbucks in Manhattan. None of these people speak English; the only way I’ve been able to win their trust is by imbibing the local drink - something called in their language a “half-caf triple shot foam only”. I don’t know what it is, but it tastes foul, and ever since I started drinking them (two days ago) I haven’t been able to sleep.

Navigating this concrete jungle for the last two days just serves to remind me how far from civilization I am. Everyone here walks, and when I ask the natives why they don’t just drive cars, they stare at me in blank incomprehension before laughing. I miss the comforts of home, where I am never more than ten minutes from a Walmart or a McDonald’s with a drive-thru.

But I don’t have time to think about now. I must focus on my goal, difficult as that might be with the godawful native music they seem to always be playing in these Starbucks - this time it seems to be something the locals call “Joni Mitchell”. I truly am in another world, aren’t I?

There's more, and it's awesome.

To hell with the ambiguously gay, "Talk Like A Pirate" Day. We need more, "Write Like Hunter S. Thompson" Days.

So, in the spirit of drug influenced rants, I'll pass along this list of the The 5 Dumbest Rush Limbaugh Quotes of All Time:

1) "The phony soldiers." --on U.S. service members who support withdrawal from Iraq

2) "He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. ... This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting." --on an ad by Michael J. Fox endorsing Claire McCaskill for Senate for supporting embryonic stem cell research

3) "And don't forget, Sherrod Brown is black. There's a racial component here, too. And now, the newspaper that I'm reading all this from is The New York Times, and they, of course, don't mention that." --on the 2006 Ohio Senate primary race involving then-Rep. Sherrod Brown (D-OH), who is white

4) "This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation...I'm talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You ever heard of the need to blow some steam off?" --on the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal

5) In 1995: "Too many whites are getting away with drug use...Too many whites are getting away with drug sales...The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them, and send them up the river, too."

In 2003: "I am addicted to prescription pain medication."

Here's some bonus quotes from El Rushbo:

"Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society."

"We're not sexists, we're chauvinists -- we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want."

"She comes to me when she wants to be fed. And after I feed her -- guess what -- she's off to wherever she wants to be in the house, until the next time she gets hungry. She's smart enough to know she can't feed herself. She's actually a very smart cat. She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn't have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat's taught me more about women, than anything my whole life." --on his cat

"She sounds like a screeching ex-wife." --on Sen. Hillary Clinton

"I've been racking my brain. I've been trying to figure out how Bob Dole's luggage got on my airplane...I told the doctor, I said, 'Look, I'm worried about the next election.' ... A misunderstanding." --after he was detained by custom officials for possessing Viagra with a prescription made out in someone else's name

"The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies."

"They oughtta change Black History Month to Black Progress Month and start measuring it."

"Look, let me put it to you this way: the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it."

"Sorry to say this, I don't think he's been that good from the get-go. I think what we've had here is a little social concern in the NFL. The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well." --on Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, while working as a commentator on ESPN

"The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them."

"There are more acres of forestland in America today than when Columbus discovered the continent in 1492."

"I know these people like I know every square inch of my glorious naked body." --on Democrats
[eeww - mark]

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman