NSA Alternate Universe Alert
By: Mark W Adams

The following is a rushed transcript of conversation between Richard Mellon Scaife and Hillary Clinton that the NSA intercepted in a warrantless wiretapping operation authorized under standard language found in all National Security Act signing statements and Vice Presidential Ratfucking Directive 38, both copies of which can be found in the man-sized safe at the Naval Observatory.

Senator Hillary Rodam Clinton: So, Richard, can I call you Richard?

Richard Mellon Scaife: Call me Dick

Clinton: Dick?

Scaife: I'm just Dick. Dick to my friends.

Clinton: So, we're going to be friends ... Dick?

Scaife: We have a mutual enemy. Can't let that black asshole get in the White House.

Clinton: Oh? Well, yeah ... I guess. But thought you'd be backing McCa...

Scaife: Fuck that asshole.

Clinton: Huh?

Scaife: Hillary, look. Your husband's a piece of shit so I went after him with everything I had, but I never wanted to hurt you. You were always nice to me.

Clinton: But Dick, I...

Scaife: No, listen. I gave Nixon a million bucks, funded that damn dirty tricks squad your Watergate Committee exposed[*]. I gave to Reagan and Bush One, and was treated like I have the clap. But you. I nearly destroyed your husband and you still were gracious enough to invite me to the White House when you were still living there.[*]

That was nice. I want to return the favor. I want to make things right before I meet my maker.

Clinton: Well thank you, Dick. I just...

Scaife: So we're going to put you in the White House again.

Clinton: Great Dick, I'm thrilled to have your support. Your paper carries a lot of weight here in Pennsylvania.

Scaife: Phhft. This primary don't matter. You've already lost the nomination Hillary, face facts.

Clinton: Well ... but ... a win here ... and the superdelega...

Scaife: Oh fuck that Hillary. You're toast. I'm talking about the Vice Presidency after I connect that goody-two-shoes "Ace" McCain with a few more bimbo lobbyists.

Clinton: But I'm running for president. I'm not going to play second fiddle to Barack. He's young. He'll have another shot. It's my turn.

Scaife: And it will be. You'll be a heart beat away. And should something happen, God forbid...

Clinton: Something happen? What are you talking about?

Scaife: You know. Something happen. God forbid something happen to the new black president. God forbid of course.

Clinton: Mr. Scaife, your talking ...

Scaife: Hey, we're all grown-ups here. You took care of that lawyer friend of yours.

Clinton: I never did anything to Vince Foster. That was all in your head! He was a great friend. That was your fantasy you sick bastard!

Scaife: Yeah, you did real good on that. Got cleared and everything. So I figure if you could get away with offing him, you could get away with pretty much anything -- and this time I'll give you cover instead of blowing millions trying to take you down. And then we'll be even.

Clinton: This meeting is over. You're sick. [Senator Clinton gets up to leave.]

Scaife: Does this mean I won't be invited to the Lincoln Bedroom?

Clinton: [Walks to door] Goodbye Mr. Scaife. I'm going to pretend this meeting never happened.

Scaife: [Yelling] Fine! You'll regret this you ugly cunt! Why don't you get that daughter of yours teeth fixed, ya bitch. You'll regret this. [*]