Peak Wealth? By: Mark W Adams

As more and more of us begin to appreciate the ramifications of "Peak Oil," or at least its artificially growing myth on our current state of affairs from the gas pump to the how and why the lid has been kept on Iraq's sea of crude since at least 1928, even proven skeptics are joining the throng who upon seeing storm clouds on the horizon pronounce in grave tones that the sky is falling, the end is near, and that you're gonna look fondly on the good old days of $4.00 gas.

But a couple of throw-away statements running 'round Blogtopia (Y!Sctp!) that the price of gold was going up against the weak dollar, yet nobody talks about "peak gold" -- and coincidently we are faced with a housing bust that will most likely suck dry a good deal of pension fund capital right into the Big Shitpile, got me shining up the old tin-foil hat.

It stands to reason that if the folks in big oil (who consider George Bush some kind of savant for getting that MBA from Harvard) can figure out a way to rig the system for maximum profits by exploiting and prolonging the peak oil syndrome where production capacity is maxed while demand keeps growing by keeping the world's 2nd largest proven oil reserves locked up in war or embargo or artificially low quotas for generations; then really smart guys like corporate raider Carl Icahn specializing in real estate and stocks & bonds would find a way to tap into the last great untapped sources of wealth in this country: pension funds and family homesteads.

All that potential liquidity just sitting there, doing nothing. It might as well be rotting for all the good it's doing. If assets aren't trickling up or down or at least somewhere, what good are they.

But there's another source of wealth in America those smarty-pants Wall Street types overlooked. All that dirty, old, gold jewelry in your dresser drawer! What use is it just laying there? Don't you know there are nice gentlemen who will even send you a pretty envelope so you can mail back that tarnished junk and they'll send you a nice, new, big, fat check in exchange! Doesn't that sound great?

So, here's the plan:

First, I'll send you a nice envelope, see, and you send me all of your gold you aren't using right now. Any precious metal will do. That old class ring, the extra-backs and orphaned earrings whose mate was lost who-knows-where. You might as well face facts and get rid of that extra wedding ring since s/he ain't coming back.

Chains? Really? That's so 80's. Junk 'em.

But instead of sending you back a check any pawn shop owner could give you, I'll be sending you a stock certificate in my new venture capital investment plan, see. They've got all these audio-cassets (real cheap now since they're from 2006) on how these guys called hedge-fund managers can make oodles of dollars investing other people's pension money and refinacing their second mortgages. I'm going to listen to most of them and get cracking.

It's easy money and you can be part of this exciting opportunity just by sending me all of your precious metals and I'll give you ... something really neat my daughter designed using her certificate-maker module from iWork's Pages.

That's right. I'm asking you to give me something of value for absolutely nothing in return. But what the heck? It might make you feel better squandering your wealth on someone who's at least honest about stealing from you instead of the swindlers picking your pocket at the gas station, bank and whatever arm of government that put out its hand this week. And it sure as hell will make me fell better.

Cuz Obama ain't buying me no Jet Ski, and I can't afford one without your help.