Also Sprach Coultergeist By: Mark W Adams

In light of breaking events, and a monumental shift in the political winds, I've decided I need to endorse McCain and quit blogging and spend more time with Joe Lieberman -- so together we can fight for gay rights and raise our love child as a spiritual mormon jew -- just like Ann Coulter's God told me to in a dream last night.

Voice: Mark

Mark: Who is that?

Deeply Resonate God-like Voice: It's Ann Coulter's God, Mark.

Mark: Right.

Coulter's God: No, really. I wouldn't kid around about such things. Now get your hand out of your underwear and listen up.

Mark: Who is this really?

Coulter's God: Mark, you gotta stop supporting reasonable politicians, and Democrats of all stripes. You're screwing up the works and I need to get some things done down there.

Mark: What the fuck are you talking about? Look, I don't know who you think you're messing with, but disembodied voices in my head is no way to determine a political system.

Coulter's God: Mark, I've got a plan to reboot the whole planet, swipe out all the old hardware and install a completely new operating system. You might have heard about it ... the Four Horsemen and all that. Anyway, I need a warmongering geriatric like McCain in the White House to pull it off.

Mark: Riiight.

Coulter's God: Look Mark. It took all my attention to make sure John Edwards couldn't become President. I put up the strongest woman and the most inspirational African-American in history against him. I made sure they were well funded and got all the media attention so John Edwards would be buried -- insignificant.

Mark: What the fuck are you talking about?

Coulter's God: Mark, if Edwards were President, it would set my plans for destruction of the Earth back a hundred, maybe two hundred years or more.

Mark: Lemme get this straight. You want the world to go to Hell in a handbasket?

Coulter's God: You haven't been paying attention, have you. Did you think George Bush was making it up when he said I talked to him?

Mark: I'll be God Damned...

Coulter's God: Maybe...

Mark: Hey!

Coulter's God: Look Mark, Even though I got Edwards to suspend his campaign, he's got Hillary and Barack running on his agenda now. Compassion for the poor, social justice, equality, better environmental policies, universal health care, all that BS.

Mark: But I thought that your son told us to love one another, take care of each other?

Coulter's God: That boy will be the death of me. Look Mark, the world was supposed to implode about a thousand years ago. Remember the Dark Ages? Well, maybe you're too young. But anyway, that kid of mine injected just enough hope and love into the world to keep it going after I threw everything I had at it. Now I've had to wait until you people could blow it up by yourselves.

Mark: But we survived the Cold War. We could have blown each other up a hundred times over, but didn't. That says something, doesn't it?

Coulter's God: Yeah, it says there's a lot of damn liberals screwing up my plans.

Mark: What ARE you babbling about?

Coulter's God: Cuban Missile Crisis, Mark. I spend a couple of centuries getting the USA and USSR to the point where THEY could bring about the Apocalypse. I started with that demon Napoleon reminding the ignorant farmers on the Russian Steppes that they better pay attention to their defenses. Meanwhile, I set you guys up in the American wilderness, putting you on the road to perdition by practicing genocide against the natives and sharpening your war-making skills by fighting amongst yourselves in one of the bloodiest wars ever over whether it was okay to own slaves (as if).

Mark: So what's all that got to do with John McCain?

Coulter's God: Shut up and listen for a change, Mark. By the time I set that madman Hitler loose on the world, you and the Russians were ready to beat him and take over -- and start to distrust each other. I kept you used to the idea that human life was worthless by convincing Truman to use the bomb, twice! And I gave the Russians Stalin just to make sure everyone there knew not to cross the powerful and to keep my kid's ideas of Peace on Earth silenced. (If you think your Evangelicals take him too seriously, you should get a load of the Russian Orthodox Church.)

Mark: Hey, this is all a nice history lesson, but I gotta take the kids to school in the morning ....

Coulter's God: I'm giving them a snow day so you can sleep in. Now just listen.

Mark: (yawn) Whatever.

Coulter's God: Mark, it was all in place. Two nations that just a couple of centuries earlier were forgotten backwaters in my plans were now going to blow up the planet over an Island good only for sugar plantations and cigars. And that damn whimpy liberal, that fucking Cafeteria Catholic Kennedy found a backbone and stared down Kruschev, made him blink, and poof! No fireworks.

Mark: So, that all worked out then, right?

Coulter's God: No! Liberals aren't supposed to have a spine. Kennedy was supposed to be walked over by the Soviets. They were supposed to call his bluff, cross his blockade and either Kennedy would start WWIII or be removed in a military coup and his Generals were supposed to start launching nukes. End of the World, Baby! Arm-a-fucking-geddon! Then I could redo the thing from scratch.

Mark: And you think that McCain could do what JFK and Kruschev couldn't?

Coulter's God: Well, I tried to push Reagan to the brink, but Gorbechev caved, found Jesus and let the whole Soviet Empire collapse. I've spend the last two decades looking for a decent foe for you guys to use as an excuse to irradiate the Earth, and I'm back to Plan-A...the Crusades. This time with nukes!

Mark: You're nutz, you know that.

Coulter's God: I know everything.

Mark: So, you think that if I support McCain...? You're making a personal appeal to me? Why?

Coulter's God: It's not just you Mark, it's not always about you dammit. You are such an egotistical bastard.

Mark: That's no way to talk about my Mother.

Coulter's God: She's the one who clued me in on you once she got through Customs up here. I figure, if someone who was so public in his support of Edwards could switch to McCain instead of getting on the HillObamanon Bus, it would show the world that ALL the candidates were stealing John Edwards' ideas and it didn't matter which party someone belonged to -- that it was Okay for liberals to come over to the Dark Side.

Mark: I take it back. You're not nuts. You're certifiably insane. Besides. McCain is just stealing a song, and John Mellencamp certainly isn't endorsing McCain. This race is about ideas, not jingles. It's just a song.

Coulter's God: Songs can be very powerful.

Mark: Because of John Edwards, Clinton and Obama are now promoting a progressive agenda, they have adopted much more liberal policies than they had when this thing started. John McCain isn't offering any real change to health care policy. He won't get us out of debt. He'll never cross the energy cartels or the insurance and drug companies. He won't fix social security or medicare except to scrap them. He says he doesn't care if the war goes for a hundred years!

Coulter's God: Exactly!

Mark: So I'm supposed to be swayed because McCain now comes out to the podium to the tune, "This Is My Country?" Get real. This is the same guy who was singing, "Bomb, Bomb, Iran."

Coulter's God: And if he kept on doing that, everyone would see through my plan, don't you see?

Mark: What about Huckabee? He's a minister for Christ's sake. Why aren't you rooting for him?

Coulter's God: Riiight. Nobody would see that coming.

Mark: I'm going back to bed. Give my best to the family, and tell Buddha I said, "Hi" when you see him.

Coulter's God: So you're going to defy the Word of the Lord, Thy God? You're willing to face my wrath?

Mark: Dude, bring it! If that's what it takes, if my sacrifice will keep you and yours out of the affairs of men, keep religion separate from politics, will keep Dominionists from trying to make things worse instead of working towards our own paradise here on Earth -- making things so bad that only divine intervention can keep us from extinction, I'm game.

Coulter's God: You'll be sorry.

Mark: Turn out the light when you leave.

Coulter's God: Do you know where MarKOS Moulitas lives?

Mark: Get Out!

UPDATE: Mellencamp to McCain: "Knock it off you old coot."