43 Missions Accomplished
By: Mark W Adams

Inspired by Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer's appearance on the Bill Press Show this morning, where Governor Smart-Ass offered his assessment of the last Bush press conference through the lens the outgoing POTUS would like us to view his tenure -- things he didn't let happen like preventing another terrorist attack, not being invaded by aliens, prevented the Detroit Lions from winning Superbowl, and made sure the Mississippi River still flows downhill -- I'd like to offer (along with my daughter Lizzy who contributed to this fabulous list) the following bar-lowering standards Bush wishes we would judge him by.

So, thanks to Teh Awsum leadership of The Decider Guy, the C+ Augustus wants us to remember:
  1. No more American cities have drowned since Katrina.
  2. Battlestar Galactica will (finally) return on his watch.
  3. Madonna is single again, and available.
  4. The Earth is still spinning on its axis and revolving around the sun.
  5. No New Texas.
  6. "Misunderestimate" is now a real word.
  7. Google disarmed the Miserable Failure Google Bomb.
  8. Smart is finally cool.
  9. The Daleks and Cybermen did not exterminate us.
  10. February Second will come and go this year without a time/space portal opening up and making us relive the last eight years over and over.
  11. Mars Bitches!
  12. O.J., finally locked up.
  13. New CAFE standards reduced VP Cheney's warm virgin blood requirement to a quart a month.
  14. Twitter.com gives Anna Marie Cox something to do between jobs.
  15. Paved the way for bloggers to bring the hate to Sarah Palin.
  16. The lost city of Atlantis has finally returned to Earth from the Pegasus Galaxy.
  17. Full employment for Israeli and Palestinian arms suppliers.
  18. Helen Thomas had time to write up a whole lotta questions for the next POTUS, and knit a sweater.
  19. Friday Cat Blogging to kill time waiting for Friday Document Dumps.
  20. TARP!  It's not just for covering furniture anymore.
  21. Now any hack can do science.
  22. Twilight sequel appears just in time to grab Harry Potter fan base.
  23. SNL found the funny again.
  24. I Can Haz Failblog!
  25. We now give a damn when Paul Krugman gets wonkish.
  26. Joe Scarborough fully outed as a sociopath.
  27. Stepford 1st Lady will be back home in Texas by the time the Final Cylon is revealed, so we got that going for us.
  28. Pulitzer Prize worthy scandals to write about.
  29. "Truthiness" not just a new word, but a way of life.
  30. Paris Hilton's wisdom and maturity finally appreciated.
  31. Ozone Layer still intact, mostly.
  32. Got one Bush Twin married off ... one to go.
  33. Dumbledore Avenged!  Snape lies dead.  (oops, spoiler alert.)
  34. Avian flu pandemic from China averted, exchanged for tainted toothpaste and dog food.
  35. Missile shield going ahead as planned, even though it still doesn't work.
  36. Wii: new epicentercenter of domestic violence outbreaks for the holidays.
  37. Rachel Maddow now Queen of all Media.
  38. Black hole did not eat the entire planet when they turned on the Giant Haydron Collider -- yet.
  39. Virtual Bubble Wrap.
  40. Budweiser now a fine Belgian lager instead of cheap American swill.
  41. Blackberry rip offs of the iPhone interface still not as cool as iPhone.
  42. Gas cheap again -- jawboning Saudis musta worked.
  43. Money found to be an excellent mattress padding.